Dear Dad - 03/11/2021

Write to Dad!

During the events I have been through in the past years I have not told anyone outside of a very small circle of people in Sweden. Partly, because of shame and embarrassment, and part because, in a strange way, it confirms things, that the tragic circumstances are real and becomes even more real when telling others. Also I just didn’t have the goddam energy, just going through it was repetitively breaking though to then have to relive it with all the questions… Looks of shock and horror. I just could not bear the thought. And lastly because of protection, not for myself or my kids but for loved ones living far away who would inevitably be so upset and helpless as there would be really nothing they could do. With COVID we couldn’t even see each other so why bring them into such a tragic chain of events and be a cause of worry.

So I left it for a while, then the divorce came, I still left it and carried everything on my shoulders until recently. My son had kept asking if he could go with me to London on a trip and visit Grandad. It was then I realised I just had to say something. What kind of parent would I be asking my children not to relay any of the events of the past years so Grandad wouldn’t get upset.

Hes now 85, and in good shape considering, though he’s a World War II kid when they ate fresh food, and lifestyles were far more active. A tough generation. I also think being a vegetarian (apparently pescatarian now) and drinking red wine has served him well. Random thought - ‘Kangarootarian’ is a thing! Someone that eats kangaroo only, FFS really! Hello, nice to meet you, I’m a Pandaterian you know, aside from the fact that my focused approach to eating Panda is a main contributor to it’s extinction…. Jokes aside, ’Kangarooterian’ is actually a thing and apparently it’s sustainable as the Ozzie government only allows hunting on wild, organic kanagaroos of the larger species. On the downside its MEAT! So vegetarian wallabees, sorry, wannabees, eating kangaroos only does not put you in the variation of vegetarian column. Back to Dad - It is rather annoying when my dad who admirably has been a vegetarian for 25 years suddenly announces he still is but now just eats fish. “Hello son, Im still a vegetarian, I just eat fish, Im a pescatarian….” “No dad, you’re an omnivore.”

Apologies, I digress. Back to the original point.

So I realise I must tell my father so when he meets his grandchildren the air is clear though in order to do this I must tell my sister first. Why? Well my father is 85, has recovered from cancer and doesn’t have the highest self-control, emotionally speaking so I felt it was better to write. He has also recently recovered from COVID and seems to get it now and again which he blames the vaccination for. Apparently, he and his wife having had the vaccination have been poorly ever since, and the booster, according to him, finished them off. Secondly he’s rather deaf and refuses to use his hearing aids, resulting in him just pretending that he hears everything. I felt the subject matter, if misheard or only heard in part could have quite the opposite effect I would like. As the shitstorm I had been in and am going through has become the norm for me, for others possibly not. So I needed to get my sisters view on the letter before sending.

I consider myself thoughtful and thus set out to write a letter that updated him with the facts, the reality and the gravity of the situation without being too harsh, too much for someone of his age. I worked and reworked it. Until finally I was there. Brilliant I thought and I forwarded it to my sister for review. I did not hear anything back for a day or two and then I prompted her. She said she had skim read it though needs to read it thoroughly. Mm?

At last I get a ping from the mailbox from her expecting to see – "done! Sent it to Dad", though instead it read "need to change it , this will give him a heart attack, can you not tone it down” to which I replied ‘"this is the toned down version!"

She helpfully gave some pointers and sent back an edited version crossing out over half of the content and suggesting replacements. I was rather shocked though after reflecting I decided to comply and in the end we found a digestible version that allowed my father to continue his daily life without putting a foot into his grave.

In fact I was very surprised of his response and relavtively calm demeanour. Ever since he received the letter along with a pile of photos of the grandchildren I seemed to have gained a level of respect from him that was not there before. That his son has gone through a period of extreme trauma and challenges and still fighting for the good of his grandchildren. Trying to rebuild spiritually and pragmatically. He seem to see and understand what I have been through and how I am responding and with that given a deeper level of respect. Like a moment of peace in himself that he need not worry because he knows that I will make it through and his grandhcildren will too. Thank god I didn’t send the first letter. Thanks sis!