Dream a Little Dream... - 20/10/2021

After my divorce my ex was determined to stay friends which I agreed to though found it incredibly hard due to the level of distrust that had developed thanks to their repetitive acts of deceit. We agreed to try, though one afternoon the ex-wifecame with monster-in-law in tow to my apartment and started loading my belongings or possibly our belongings. Smiling at me throughout I could no longer bear it and left them to it, descending the basement stairs only to find a friend of ours pacing back and forth looking rather concerned. I enquired as to what was bothering him whereby he reluctantly informed me that my wife's friendship was a cunning plan to lull me into a false sense of security and an attempt to make me angry in front of camera to build evidence to win custody of our children. That I had been played throughout even before the divorce. I was fuming and confronted her immediately. In pure rage I pushed my ex-wife into the burning fireplace, watching the flames engulf her turning her hair to ginger stubs. Panic took over as I realised that I would now almost certainly lose the children and started patting her back in a dismal attempt to save her.

I continued patting furiously and then I heard the smashing glass and realised, in the real world, I had in fact just been patting down the bedside table, sending a glass flying into the concrete floor. “F***k! ” Realised I slept late, failed to wake my son for school, jumped out of bed, and hurried to my son's room, almost slipping over, only to further realise I’d cut my foot and ran blood straight up the main walkway of the apartment. “ Up! Now! We’re late!!!”, my son replies calmly ‘don’t worry, don’t start until lunch today” – “grrrrrrrrreat!” I replied.

200mg Sertralin…. Keep demons at bay

And later the same day, time for another sleeping tablet.

I have found that with anxiety, stress and trauma, my mind has increasingly provided a more lucid and vivid dreaming experience. Anxiety dreams for me have been the most difficult. There was a point that I considered not sleeping at all as I could not bare the ordeal of forever looking for my car as I could not remember where I parked it or losing one of my children and as I find one, I lose the other. In these dreams I have become aware that I am dreaming though the anxiety forces me to search endlessly, Stop looking stop looking! I know I don’t even own a flamingo pink Beetle. Stoooop! But stil I continue….. only to eventually wakeup more tired than when I went to bed ….. crikey. Hours upon hours of looking for things I lost, to the point of going completely mad and rather exhausted.

Dreams have become so real, embedded in my mind, that some of the detail I actually felt was real , to the point I started questioning my memory. Are memories of reality and of dreams merged in our minds that either could be one of the two. Mmh?

Now where did I put that sleeping pill….

And if you are asking am I still committed, of course. One hour crossfit today, core work tomorrow. Must keep focused on the NOW.