Red or Blue Pill - 02/11/2021

So many days without writing, partly because they have been rather dark though also because I have had absolutely no time whatsoever to reflect let alone write. Pressure at work and the end of year frenzy has required me to work ungodly hours. If you asked me 5 years ago, I don’t mind the work, in fact I think I could be a workaholic however the last few years events has resulted in a mind that dives deep into the black abyss if left to it's own devices. It needs constant positivity management like a spoiled child acting on it's next whim. Working from home and stuck in a computer doing mundane contract work on complex accounts tends to provoke those thoughts of depression, panic and anxiety. Without any provocation the dark side of my mind can become my master and for the past week this has been the case. Now I must fight back, and it can just fuck right off!

So here I am writing again having stopped working to do this and claim back mental independence. I came off sleeping pills ten days ago and fuck me! That was bad timing. Five out of the ten days I barely slept, one night there was no deep sleep just a mishmash of anxiety dreams. I am now at the point that when an anxiety dream happens I am aware of it and have an argument with myself in the dream especially when they are repeats. I know I am dreaming and try to stop myself from doing the very thing that is making me anxious within the dream itself. First up! Again, I was looking for my car and could not remember where I parked it – haha! Not gonna get me this time however it won, I carried on looking – arrrghh! I then woke myself up to stop me from looking for the damned car. As soon as I went back to sleep, I lost my dog in Madrid , and then my children in some wacky place that was a mix between a Greek Island and Cornwall. I was living on a houseboat, with a friend of mine and a gorgeous latino with a nose that was inline with her forehead and had an arousing leopard skin tattoo on her neck. I was sure she was an alien and ran from the houseboat only to bump into my friend who was fishing. With him was a large box of fishing hooks that he asked me to sort out. Piled next to the box were the hooks and one by one I laid them in order of type into the box. And yes the anxiety kicked in again, everytime I went to put a hook in the box two would pierce my skin – one in, two out and so it went on and on and on. I did notice that as much as it was a dream, it was a first timer. It's far harder to kick yourself out of the loop on first timers. Needless to say my hands were shredded by the time I escaped. Awake again! Then asleep again. Before I knew I was being chased by Yakuza and I was trying to save a girl called Ani that they were trying to kill. The chase seemed to go on for hours and hours. Funnily enough this dream was a copy paste of the film I watched before I went to bed so I should have recognised it when I was there, though it was a first timer again. Maybe tonight I will watch Bambi, what can go wrong. Mmh? Bambi caught in barbwire minefield, Thumper gives rabid chase through minefield. The mind is truly creative when you all you really crave is a calm and beautiful beach.

I flew again too that night. I always seem to fly the same way. Never like Superman, fist forward, straight line. No. I am always standing straight with arms by my side and the palms of my hands parallel to the floor as if the power to fly comes from the palms, in fact it feels that it does. This was the night of back to back, non stop, thrill seeking anxiety dreams. 5am woke up more exhausted than when I went to bed, though preferred exhaustion than another minute of enduring anxiety torture. I opted for the Blue pill and to join Neo and the gang in the realms of reality. I was much less anxious awake than when I was asleep.

200mg Sertraline and soldier on.

So, I am back on the (red) sleeping pills. Yes the dreams are as lucid however I think the pills allow me to get to deep sleep for some time so I don’t have to be constantly imprisoned in the realm between consciousness and REM, can be a dark place indeed. That too can just fuck right off!